IN Relationships... Sexual Secrets Don't Worry, We All Have Them By Carol Wells

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In a culture that treats sex with a double standard, nobody escapes having some shame or guilt about their sexuality. Let's face it, as adults we're all expected to be A+ lovers, yet we never receive one single lesson on how to make the grade. Since all of us graduated from the University of Trial and Error, it's not surprising that we develop some fears and anxieties around sex which we hide from our lovers, spouses and friends.

The double standard starts early in childhood when our innocent sexuality is somehow considered wrong or bad. It's usually more of a feeling than a specific event, although being punished for sexual exploration with another child or oneself can certainly do it. The feeling of needing to hide our sexuality escalates during adolescence when our hormones drive us crazy with sexual thoughts and desires. Trial and error abounds during this time and, as we all remember, our errors are frequently embarrassing, sometimes humiliating.

Here's only a partial list of the most common sexual secrets: what really turns us on, how turned on we are, the fact that we masturbate, performance fears, fantasies about taboo sex acts, embarrassing body features, current or former affairs, a previous pregnancy or abortion, a past we're ashamed of, a sexually transmitted disease, a certain sexual preference, sounds we make during sex, and old traumas such as rape, incest, and sexual molestation as a child.

The problem with sexual secrets is that they distance us from the very people we want to be close to. Secrets isolate us as we attempt to control our inner thoughts. Secrets create a ping-pong effect as our partners sense that we are holding back, so they hold back as well. In addition, fears that our secrets may be revealed make us feel insecure and uncertain about our acceptance as a person. It can be very difficult to relax and enjoy our sexuality under these circumstances. The long term effect is often a deadening of one's sexuality - a feeling of depersonalization or boredom, of participating in sex because it's expected rather than because it's truly enjoyed. It's not likely that we would recognize secret keeping as the source for our dissatisfaction. Often, we focus on a specific complaint like loss of interest or even a specific dysfunction like early ejaculation, impotency or difficulty with orgasm. Here's an example of how a sexual secret can create a sexual problem.

Janis has found (through trial and error, of course) that she can easily orgasm if she is in a certain position with her partner. It's possible for her to orgasm in other ways, but it takes more lengthy stimulation and often she doesn't climax. She's embarrassed that this one position is preferred and keeps this secret from her boyfriend, thinking he will find her "kinky" or too particular or too demanding or too aggressive or too you name it.

As you might guess, Janis has begun to lose interest in sex. The majority of time she doesn't orgasm and has started to feel like an observer rather than a participant. Her boyfriend has asked her many times if there is something he could do for her, but she remains silent even though she's promised herself a zillion times she would just tell him. Each time she tries, she finds the words just won't come out of her mouth. When Janis came in for therapy, her complaint was a general loss of interest in sex. She talked a great deal about finding clever ways to avoid sex and about how distant she felt from it all. She was even starting to wonder if she really loved her boyfriend, since she was finding it difficult to get turned on. She never volunteered information about her preference, partly because she felt the need to keep the secret from even her therapist. Only after several therapy sessions and specific questioning did Janis finally tell her "secret."

Telling sexual secrets are rarely as catastrophic as we imagine. Since we all have sexual secrets, the most usual response from a partner is a sense of relief-it gives us permission to share our secrets as well. A great barrier is broken and couples usually feel very close to one another. An attitude of acceptance prevails and sex often reaches a new plateau of intimacy and enjoyment.

Not all sexual secrets should be revealed, however. Current sexual affairs are rarely received well by a partner. Additionally, if there are major resentments which cause anger in a relationship, revealing a sexual secret can provide an opportunity for a major hurt. Some sexual fantasies are also best left unsaid-in this matter you have to use your own judgment.

Recently, we all have become aware of the millions of people who have been traumatized by rape, incest, child molestation or coerced sex. These experiences are often kept secret, unfortunately causing the hurt to remain. Secrecy results in the repetition of the original trauma. Revealing these secrets to an understanding and caring friend, spouse, lover, or professional allows the hurt to start healing. Overcoming the double standard with regard to our own sexuality is not that easy, just very important to sexual satisfaction. Acceptance of our sexual self is the first step toward that effort. With acceptance comes a new freedom of choice regarding sexual secrets. We can choose to tell or not. It's delightful how liberated we feel when we have a choice.

Carol Wells is a noted sexual therapist and relationship counselor who has appeared on Good Morning America, Oprah Winfrey, Donahue, and Nightline. Wells, who holds a master's degree from UCLA and completed a fellowship at Johns Hopkins, is co-director of the Center of Allied Sexual Treatment in Los Alamitos, CA.